


The Bizarre Disappearance of Number Five

by slytherincosette



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Based On Buzzfeed Unsolved, Buzzfeed Unsolved References, Conspiracy Theories, Gen, Good Brother Diego Hargreeves, Good Sister Vanya Hargreeves, I'm So Excited, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, bfu is my favorite, i had so much fun writing this y'all really have no idea, the bfu fic no one asked for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 02:17:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18356561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slytherincosette/pseuds/slytherincosette
Summary: “This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved, we cover the strange and sudden disappearance of Number Five, one of the members of the illusive Umbrella Academy...”or, the buzzfeed unsolved episode fic that no one asked for





	The Bizarre Disappearance of Number Five

**Author's Note:**

> i watched way too much bfu and this was the result

“ _This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved, we cover the strange and sudden disappearance of Number Five, one of the members of the illusive Umbrella Academy--_ ”

“Oh, shit, I remember those kids! What the hell ever happened to them?”

“...I was...I was going to tell you before you _very_ rudely interrupted me, but I mean, it’s fine--”

“Sorry, sorry. Shh. Please continue.”

“Thanks. _The Umbrella Academy was founded by Sir Reginald Hargreeves, after he acquired six super-powered children in 1989--_ ”

“When you say _acquired_ , you mean--”

“I mean he bought them, probably.”

“Christ.”

“You have to remember, this was after that weird anomaly where--we did an earlier episode on this, we’ll link it down below--where all those women suddenly gave birth at the exact same time, but they weren’t pregnant when they day began.”

“Ah, shit. They were probably sellin’ those kids like hot cakes. Who wants a Jesus baby? That’s too much pressure.”

“A _Jesus_ baby, oh my god--”

“It sounds a little too biblical for me, I gotta say. Immaculate conception! That’s fuckin’ weird!”

“ _The Umbrella Academy was comprised of Luther, Diego, Allison, Klaus, Five and Ben Hargreeves, each with their own unique ability. Today, we’ll be focusing on Five Hargreeves, the group’s resident teleporter--_ ”

“Wait, wait. I’m sorry. This kid’s name was Five?”

“Yeah. Like, legitimately.”

“The rest of them have real people names, why is Five so special?”

“Actually, he’s not. Vanya Hargreeves--the seventh child that no one knew about--released a book a few years back. It was a tell-all, airing out the Hargreeves family secrets for the world to see and, uh. She didn’t exactly shine a very, uh, positive light on her siblings. Or her Dad, for that matter, but c’mon. That dude’s a fuckin’ monster.”

“Yeah, he named his kid _Five_ , like. Do you want your child to get bullied?”

“Hargreeves never named his kids anything, actually. He let a literal android do it. He just called them by their number. Like, the order he--”

“The order he _acquired_ them in. Jesus. What an asshole.”

“I mean, you’d kind of have to be, sending your kids in at twelve years old to fight off adult murderers and robbers.”

“Hm, yeah. He definitely does not have a World’s Best Dad mug lying around _his_ weirdo mansion.”

[wheeze]

“And, and hey--how did this Sir Reginald guy know these kids were gonna have super powers anyway?”

“I mean, I don’t--I guess he was just like, hey, some weird shit is going down. Better investigate.”

“Investigate, my ass! This--this nutso bought a bunch of kids! That is not how adoption works! I don’t know much about a lot of things, but I do know that, Ryan!”

“To be honest, I don’t think anyone knows how Hargreeves knew that these particular kids would be, like...unique.”

[wheeze] 

“That sure is one way of putting it.”

“ _Number Five was confident, highly intelligent, and reportedly spoke out often and vehemently against his father._ ”

A picture of a young boy in a mask appears on the screen. He is confident, with straight shoulders and shelf-assured smirk. His hair is gelled to perfection, not a hair out of place.

“ _In Vanya Hargreeves’ autobiography, she writes, quote, “Five was always sticking up for us. He was the only one brave enough to go against Dad, to not fear what came after the confrontation. He’d yell, and then Dad would cart him off for ‘special training,’ and Five would come back with a dislocated shoulder, or a bruised eye, or just be so exhausted he couldn’t move. When he left, we fell apart.” End quote._ ”

“...Christ.”

“Yeah. It’s. Yeah.”

“ _Five Hargreeves disappeared on November 10, 2002. A statement was released from the Umbrella Academy headquarters two weeks later, after nothing but radio silence from the family. This was odd, as the Academy was constantly in the limelight, giving interviews to television journalists and magazines alike when they weren’t fighting crime. When the public began to get restless, Hargreeves himself released a statement that said, quote, “Our beloved son and brother, Five, has disappeared. We are doing everything in our power to find him, and we ask for your patience and support as we navigate this tumultuous time as a family.” End quote._ ”

“That’s it? That’s all we got?”

“Yeah. This guy’s like, a PR mastermind. Pull at the heartstrings, but give absolutely nothing away.”

“He totally killed Five.”

“We’ll get there! Let me finish.”

“Is that one of the theories? Because it’s not a theory, Ryan. It’s the truth. Don’t hide from it. Hargreeves killed Five, I’m callin’ it right now.”

“Slow down there, speed racer. You’re gettin’ ahead of yourself.”

“I’m gettin’ hot, Ryan. I’m gettin’ heated!”

“I need you to--” [wheeze] “I need you to cool down!”

“ _The next time The Umbrella Academy went out on a mission, Five was not with them. Though the public took Five’s disappearance personally, as the Academy had a large fanbase, questions about Number Five were strictly prohibited during interviews. There are only three known confirmations of Five’s disappearance. _”__

__“Only three?”_ _

__“Well, you know, the family is very secretive. And, I mean, all of them except for Allison basically fell off the map the second they were old enough to leave.”  
__

____

__“Her last movie sucked.”_  
_

__“I can’t say I saw it.”_ _

__“Don’t waste your time, man.”_ _

__“Thanks. Thanks for the tip.”_ _

__“No problem, buddy.”_ _

_“The first confirmation, obviously, comes from Hargreeves’ statement. The second was Vanya’s book, where she states that, quote, “We never found out what happened to Five. One day he was there, and the next, he was gone. All I know is that I lost my best friend that day.” End quote.”_

“Aw, man. I’m sad now.”

__“This one’s really gettin’ to ya, huh?”_ _

__“I mean, like. Come on. These kids were groomed to be soldiers from the literal womb and they just...they can’t catch a break.”_ _

__“Yeah.”_ _

__“And even they don’t know what happened to him? Like, his siblings?”_ _

__“According to Vanya, no.”_ _

__“Wild.”_ _

_“The third and most recent comes from Five’s brother, Diego Hargreeves, who was kicked out of the police academy for beating up a man who claimed that, quote, “One of Five’s freak siblings killed him.” End quote._ ” 

__“Yikes. I’d beat that guy up, too. Asshole.”_ _

__“Yeah, I mean. Can you imagine being accused of killing your own brother? That’s fucked.”_ _

__“Ryan. Please tell me one of the theories involves aliens. I am incredibly depressed right now and I need to know that one of the theories involves aliens.”_ _

__“Actually--”_ _

__“Oh, fuck yeah.”_ _

“ _Let’s get down to the theories. The most prominent and prevailing theory is that Sir Reginald Hargreeves killed his son._ ”

__“Ha!”_ _

__

__“That’s not, like...that’s not exactly a ‘ha’ moment, Jesus Christ.”_ _

__

__“I just like being right.”_ _

__

__“It’s a theory, asshole.”_ _

__

__“It’s the correct one.”_ _

“ _According to Vanya’s book, we know that Five regularly stood up to his father in defense of his siblings, even going as far as to, quote, “teleport Klaus out of a private training session three nights in a row.” End quote._ ”

“My kinda kid. Those private training sessions seem fucked.”

“Yeah, I think that’s just a code name for _beating the shit out of my kids_.”

“ _Many theorists believe that Hargreeves felt Five was a threat to his leadership, and feared a possible mutiny if his behavior continued. They believe that when his attempts at ‘correcting’ the behavior didn’t work, Hargreeves took to a more extreme approach_."

“Murder is, yeah. Murder’s pretty extreme.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“ _Many believe that Hargreeves disguised Five’s death as a result of the aforementioned ‘private training’ lessons, where a mishap with his power might have occurred and killed him. This particular theory is widely accepted as the truth, as a result of the clear motive and Hargreeves’ point blank refusal to deny anything, or even broach the subject at all._ ”

“It’s accepted as truth because it’s true, Ryan.”

“There’s no proof, it’s all circumstantial--”

“I mean, it’s a clear motive, right, you said it yourself--”

“Right.”

“And this dude was clearly a grade-A dickhead. Like, truly monstrous. The worst of the worst. It’s like, an easy jump to assume he would murder someone. He bought his kids! They’re like, like…”

“Objects?”

“Objects, yeah, so what do you do when your toy doesn’t work? You break it. Or you throw it away.”

“That’s true. And, I mean, money talks. Dude’s a billionaire. They get away with anything and everything.”

“Case in point. Consider this Buzzfeed _Solved_.”

“It is definitely the most likely theory, I’ll give you that. It’s the one I lean the most towards. This next one is interesting, though.”

“Lay it on me, baby.”

“ _Our second theory revolves around the idea that Five’s powers may have malfunctioned. As we know, Five had the ability to teleport. He called them ‘spacial jumps.’ Quantum physicists have weighed in on this one, arguing that Five may have gotten stuck between jumps._ ”

“So, like…”

“Yeah.”

“Stuck in some sort of twilight zone shit.”

“Yeah. They also think he could have like, not completed the jump and died. Like, atomically--”

“So, what, half his body made it but the rest didn’t?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s...fuckin’ brutal.”

“Yeah.”

“ _Alternatively, some scientists have pondered over whether or not Five’s abilities extended further than just spacial jumps. Some theorists argue that if he could jump through space, it’s possible he may have been able to jump through time. It’s possible that Five may have jumped too far into the future or too far into the past, and found himself unable to return to his own timeline._ ”

“Bullshit.”

“The kid can teleport and you’re drawing the line at time travel?”

“Shit’s too tricky! He was a wee babe! There’s no way he figured out how to time travel. I don’t care how smart that kid was. No way.”

“You seem really adamant about this.”<

“I am, Ryan!”

“Weird hill to die on.”

“And yet, this is the one I have picked.”

“Alright then.”

“ _Our final theory is that Five was abducted by aliens._ ”

“And here we go! Yes!”

“In fact, Shane, many people theorize that the Academy kids themselves are aliens, and Hargreeves, too. It kind of goes back to what you were saying about how he knew--”

“Oh, yeah, like maybe he planted little baby seeds in these women and they just, like. Sprouted.”

[wheeze] “Holy shit, that’s so gross.”

“Do you think they popped out like in the movie _Alien?_ ”

“I sure fuckin’ hope not.”

“ _Many believe that the Academy kids belong to a different species from a different planet, one where powers like theirs are standard. The theory is that Five was taken back to his original planet, and that is why the family was so secretive about his disappearance._ ”

“I mean…”

“It’s, yeah. It kind of makes sense but I’m not sold.”

“I’m not either."

“I think that’s the nicest one, though. Like--”

“Yeah!”

“Like, he’s alive out there somewhere, maybe playing alien kickball with some alien friends. Is it technically kidnapping if they’re your own people returning you to your own planet?”

“I just don’t--why wouldn’t they take the rest of the kids?”

“Yeah, I mean. Yeah. Like I said, I’m not sold on this one.”

“I still think Hargreeves did it.”

“Me, too. It sucks, but. It makes the most sense.”

“Rat bastard.”

“ _In the end, we may never know where Five Hargreeves disappeared to, or why. Did his body revolt against him, or was he a victim at the hands of his own father? For now, these questions and this case will remain...unsolved._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> please lmk if you liked it!! comments and kudos are my lifeblood i live for validation xoxo

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Buzzfeed Solved](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18389732) by [RemusWantsToBattle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemusWantsToBattle/pseuds/RemusWantsToBattle)




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